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Smoke
Be You

Decoding You

An interactive guide to exploring your

Sexual Sense of Self™

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

Ally | A term used to describe someone who is actively supportive of LGBTQ+ people. It encompasses straight and cisgender allies, as well as those within the LGBTQ+ community who support each other (e.g., a lesbian who is an ally to the bisexual community).

Allosexual (Allo) | People who experience some form of sexual and romantic attraction towards others

Aftercare | Is defined as intentional engagement to facilitate respect and care following a sexual interaction.

Anti-Oppressive | A practice rooted in critical thought and social work which incorporates an interdisciplinary approach such as anti-racism, decolonization theory, feminism, queer theory and disability justice.

Aromantic (Aro) | People who do not experience romantic attraction towards others

Asexual | Often called “ace” for short, asexual refers to a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction or lack of interest in sexual activity with others. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, and asexual people may experience no, little or conditional sexual attraction.

BDSM | (Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism)

Biphobia | The fear and hatred of, or discomfort with, people who love and are sexually attracted to more than one gender.

Bisexual | A person emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to more than one gender, though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with pansexual.

Brat | A consensual sexual behavior in which a submissive or bottom enjoys being forced to do things rather than being told.

Chem Sex | Using substances as a part of your sexual activity, most common among gay and bisexual men.

Chosen Family | Non-biological kinship bonds, whether legally recognized or not, deliberately chosen for the purpose of mutual support and love.

Cisgender | Denoting or relating to a person whose gender identity corresponds with the sex registered for them at birth; not transgender.

Cishet The term cishet (pronounced sis-het) refers to a gender identity as well as a sexual identity. This two-part identity means that a person is both cisgender and heterosexual. A cishet person identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth, and they choose romantic partners of the opposite sex.

Collector | A CNM or ENM person who is focused on forming relationships purely so that they can boast about how many partners they have, or how desirable they are to have so many partners.

Coming Out | The process that LGBTQ+ people go through as they work to synthesis their identities and subsequently share that identity with other people.

Compulsory Heteronormativity (Comphet) | Denies people sexual self-determination. It is a systemic problem, reinforced by interlocking institutions including political, religious, economic, legal, medical, familial, and educational that work in concert to maintain the privilege of cisgender heterosexual couplings and emotional pairings. The logic of compulsory heterosexuality is grounded on a model of the gender binary. In other words, compulsory heterosexuality relies on the underlying assumption that people are straight. More specifically: cisgender, heterosexual, monogamous, vanilla.

Consent | Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.

Dead Naming | The act of referring to a transgender, non-binary or gender expansive person by a name they were assigned at birth and used prior to transitioning. Deadnaming may be unintentional, or a deliberate attempt to deny, mock, or invalidate a person's gender identity.

Decentering |  Removing from a central position.

Decoding You | An interactive guide to exploring your Sexual Sense of Self™.

Demisexual | People who feel sexually attracted to someone only after they’ve developed a close emotional bond with them.

Digisex | Technology-mediated forms of sexuality.

Discrimination | The unjust or prejudicial treatment of different categories of people, especially on the grounds of their identity.

Dysphoria | Psychological distress that results from an incongruence between one’s sex assigned at birth and one’s gender identity.

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Emotional Libertarianism | Your feelings are your own to manage, and it is not your partner's responsibility to manage them. While true it can be taken to an extreme and utilized as an abusive tool.

Empowerment | The process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one's life and claiming one's rights.

Erotic Template | Outlines the feelings, behaviors, identities, and unique interests of an individual sexually.

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) | An umbrella term for relationships in which all partners give explicit consent to engage romantically, intimately, and sexually with multiple people. 

Folx | A way of writing "folks" (= people) that emphasizes the word to include all groups of people. It is meant to be a gender-neutral word that includes all members of the LGBTQ+ community.

 

Gay | A person who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Men, women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

Gender Binary | A system in which gender is constructed into two strict categories of male or female. Gender identity is expected to align with the sex assigned at birth and gender expressions and roles fit traditional expectations.

Gender Dysphoria | Clinically significant distress caused when a person's assigned birth gender is not the same as the one with which they identify.

Gender-Expansive | A person with a wider, more flexible range of gender identity and/or expression than typically associated with the binary gender system. Often used as an umbrella term when referring to young people still exploring the possibilities of their gender expression and/or gender identity.

Gender Expression | External appearance of one's gender identity, usually expressed through behavior, clothing, body characteristics or voice, and which may or may not conform to socially defined behaviors and characteristics typically associated with being either masculine or feminine.

Gender-Fluid | A person who does not identify with a single fixed gender or has a fluid or unfixed gender identity.

Gender Identity  | A person's innate sense of themself specific to gender.

Gender Joy (Gender Euphoria) | The pleasure and satisfaction when one's gendered experience aligns with their gender identity

Genderqueer | Genderqueer people typically reject notions of static categories of gender and embrace a fluidity of gender identity and often, though not always, sexual orientation. People who identify as "genderqueer" may see themselves as being both male and female, neither male nor female or as falling completely outside these categories.

Genital Self-Image Exercise | An activity designed to support someone's own connection and understanding of their genitals through exposure and sex positive education.

Gynecologist | A medical doctor who specializes in the study and treatment of assigned female at birth reproductive anatomy.

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Heteronormativity | Is a culturally embedded system defining acceptable identities and behaviors in relationships.

Heterosexual | A person who is exclusively sexually or romantically attracted to people of the other sex.

Homophobia | The fear and hatred of or discomfort with people who are attracted to members of the same sex.

Intersectionality | The interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage.

Internalized Stigma | This refers to one's personal acceptance and endorsement of socialized stigma as part of the individual's beliefs and self-concept. This is not a fault of the individual but a manifestation of oppression after internalizing society’s rigid gender expectations.

 

Intersex | Intersex people are born with a variety of differences in their sex traits and reproductive anatomy. There is a wide variety of differences among intersex variations, including differences in genitalia, chromosomes, gonads, internal sex organs, hormone production, hormone response, and/or secondary sex traits.

Introspection | A reflective looking inward, an examination of one's own thoughts and feelings.

Kink | Sexual identities, erotic behaviors, sexual interests and fantasies, relationship identities, relationship orientations, and relationship structures between consenting adults not accepted by the dominant culture.

 

Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP) | Is when everyone in the polycule gets along well enough to sit down at the kitchen table together. As with most things, this only works when organically formed rather than when forced.

Leather | A subculture that involves wearing leather erotic fashion such as chaps, harnesses, and vests to signal their association with sexual preferences, identities, relationship structures, and social organizations. Leather subculture is often related to BDSM practices and interest in sexual activities that involve wearing leather apparel and accessories.

Lesbian | A woman who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. Women and non-binary people may use this term to describe themselves.

LGBTQ+ | An acronym for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer” with a "+" sign to recognize the limitless sexual orientations and gender identities used by members of our community.

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Marginalized | A person, group, or concept that is treated as insignificant or peripheral.

Masturbation | The act of touching one's own body for sexual stimulation and pleasure.

Mental Health | Can be defined as a state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realize their abilities, learn well and work well, and contribute to their community. It is an integral component of health and well-being that underpins our individual and collective abilities to make decisions, build relationships, and shape the world we live in. Mental health is a basic human right…The promotion, protection, and restoration of mental health are vital to individuals, communities, and societies throughout the world.

 

Monogamous | Relating to, characterized by, or practicing monogamy: having only one mate, spouse, or sexual partner at one time.

Monogamy (mono) | A relationship between two people in which they form an exclusive partnership.

Neurodiversity | The range of differences in individual brain function and behavioral traits, this is an aspect of normal variation in the human population.

Non-binary | An adjective describing a person who does not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. Non-binary people may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or as falling completely outside these categories. While many also identify as transgender, not all non-binary people do. Non-binary can also be used as an umbrella term encompassing identities such as agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender-fluid.

NRE ( New Relationship Energy) | A state of mind experienced at the beginning of sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement.

Oppression | A combination of prejudice and institutional power that creates a system that regularly and severely discriminates against some groups and benefits other groups.

Orgasm | Peak of sexual arousal.

Outing | Exposing someone’s lesbian, gay, bisexual transgender or gender non-binary identity to others without their permission. Outing someone can have serious repercussions on employment, economic stability, personal safety or religious or family situations.

Pansexual | Describes someone who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender though not necessarily simultaneously, in the same way or to the same degree. Sometimes used interchangeably with bisexual.

Patriarchy | A social system in which positions of power, dominance, and privilege are held by cisgender men and women are largely excluded.

Pegging | Penetrative sex with a strap-on dildo, usually anal penetration.

Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist | A specialized physical therapist who treats anatomy associated with the pelvic floor.

Pillow Princess | A slang term that describes someone who prefers to receive sexual stimulation more than they do to give it.

Pleasure | Sexual enjoyment of satisfaction.

Porn (pornography) | Subject matter intended for sexual stimulation.

PRIDE | The recognition of LGBTQ+ identity, affirmation of equal rights, and celebration of visibility, dignity, and diversity in the LGBTQ+ community.

Privilege | A special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person/group.   

  • Check your privilege | Phrase used to suggest that someone should recognize that their attitudes or views reflect the fact that they are in an inherently privileged or advantageous position because of the particular social category or categories to which they belong.

Pronouns | Linguistic tools used to refer to someone in the third person. Examples are they/them/theirs, ze/hir/hirs, she/her/hers, he/him/his. In English and some other languages, pronouns have been tied to gender and are a common site of misgendering (attributing a gender to someone that is incorrect).

Psychotherapist | A person who uses evidence based models to deliver mental health treatment and helps people change behavior, increase happiness, and overcome problems.

Queer | A term people often use to express a spectrum of identities and orientations that are counter to the mainstream. Queer is often used as a catch-all to include many people, including those who do not identify as exclusively straight and/or folks who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities. This term was previously used as a slur, but has been reclaimed by many parts of the LGBTQ+ movement.

Queer Blindfolding | A supposedly well intended, but ultimately harmful narrative strategy of ignoring the important differences for LGBTQ+ folxs and their queer identities. This is akin to the problematic concept of racial colorblindness.

Queer Resilience | Skills and abilities that are learned and developed because of adversarial experiences or stressors due to prejudice, discrimination, and violence rooted in stigma.

Questioning | A term used to describe people who are in the process of exploring their sexual orientation or gender identity.

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Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord | Is a buffet of relational styles, commitments and expectations to support folks in learning and communicating their own desires within relationships.

Relationships Escalator | The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships which follow a progressive set of steps.

Reparative Therapy/Conversion Therapy | This is abuse disguised as therapy in which the intent is to change someone's sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Responsive Desire | Sexual desire emerges in response to sexually relevant context. It may feel like it takes a bit longer to develop. Physical arousal may precede interest in sex.

Rimming (analingus) | Kissing or licking the outer edge (rim) of the anus.

Same-Gender Loving | A term some prefer to use instead of lesbian, gay or bisexual to express attraction to and love of people of the same gender.

Sensate Focus | Is a series of intimate touch exercises that were designed to support folks in learning and accessing pleasure in their body through intentional focus without pressure, expectation, or judgment.

Sex | Is an activity that brings about physical, mental, or emotional arousal, pleasure and satisfaction.

Sex Assigned at Birth | The sex, male, female or intersex, that a doctor or midwife uses to describe a child at birth based on their external anatomy.

Sex Therapist / Sex Therapy  | Sex therapy does not involve sex, sexual touch, nudity, or physical examinations of any kind…Ever (that would be a sexual surrogate or sex worker). There are often misconceptions about what a sex therapist does as part of their therapeutic work with clients and what training is required to practice sex therapy. All sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals who have sought additional post-graduate training in supporting people with sexual health concerns/difficulties. Certified Sex Therapists (CST) have completed the required educational training, supervision, and clinical experience required by The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).

Sexual Desire | A state characterized as interest in sexual activity or objects.

Sexual Fluidity | A capacity for situation-dependent flexibility in sexual responsiveness, which allows individuals to experience changes in queer or heterosexual desire both short-term and long-term.

Sexual Health | A state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity.

Sexual Health Timeline | An activity in which an individual creates a linear narrative specific to their own life sexual health experiences.

Sexual Orientation | An inherent or immutable enduring emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to other people. Note: an individual’s sexual orientation is independent of their gender identity.

Sexual Sense of Self™  | Defined by an individual's personal, unique, and multifaceted perceptions of themselves in relation to sexuality. A Sexual Sense of Self™ influences one's understanding of how they fit into larger societal structures.

Sexual Temperament Questionnaire | An assessment focused on helping folxs understanding their own specific sexual desire sensitivities.

Shibari | A style of rope bondage or BDSM play that comes out of Japan.

Side | A gay man who does not enjoy anal penetration (giving or receiving), but will engage in other forms of same-sex activity.

Skoliosexual | A sexual attraction to people who do not identify themselves with the traditional gender binary. The term does not expressly refer to an attraction towards genitalia but is an overarching term to describe attraction towards anyone who isn't cisgender.

Spontaneous Desire | The desire for sex may precede physical arousal. It may emerge on its own and can develop quickly or suddenly.

Stone | Not wanting to receive any sexual touch and/or only desiring sexual touch in specific ways with specific partners; getting sexual and/or mental gratification from sexually pleasing a partner.

Straight Sizes | Refers to clothing sizes XS through L, or sizes 0-14.

Tops/Bottoms | Terms for sexual preference and identity within the queer community.

  • Tops - generally like to be more dominant and/or penetrate a partner.

  • Bottoms - tend to follow the lead of a partner and receive penetration.

Toxic Monogamy | Monogamy as a cultural institution that has been interpreted and practiced in ways that are unhealthy.

Transgender | An umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Being transgender does not imply any specific sexual orientation. Therefore, transgender people may identify as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.

Transitioning | A series of processes that some transgender people may undergo in order to live more fully as their true gender. This typically includes social transition, such as changing name and pronouns, medical transition, which may include hormone therapy or gender affirming surgeries, and legal transition, which may include changing legal name and sex on government identity documents. Transgender people may choose to undergo some, all or none of these processes.

Tribbing | Rubbing two vulvas together, also colloquially called scissoring.

Urologist | A medical doctor who specializes in the study and treatment of the urinary system.

Vanilla | A person who does not identify as kinky or does not prefer or enjoy kinky sex.

Verse (or Switch) | A person who likes to switch between sexual dynamics as well as giving and receiving penetration.

Vibrator/Dildo | A toy used for sexual stimulation.

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Questions or Feedback? We'd like to hear from you, reach out at support@decodingyou.org

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