Decoding You
Relationships
Avenues for Relationship Trajectories
Escalator vs. Non-Escalator Relationship Menu
AKA. Relationship Smorgasbord
What do we mean by escalator vs non-escalator relationship menu (Smorgasbord)?
You ask the best questions! Let's talk about it!
Escalator
Smorgasbord
Dating/Flirting
Fall in love
Presenting
Establishing
Commitment
Merging
Conclusion
Relationship Escalator - This is the default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.The goal at the top of the Escalator is to achieve a permanently monogamous (sexually and romantically exclusive between two people), cohabitating marriage. Partners are expected to remain together at the top of the Escalator until death.
The Escalator is the standard by which many people are socialized to gauge whether a developing intimate relationship is significant, “serious,” good, healthy, committed or worth pursuing or continuing.
Relationship Escalator stages include:
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Dating/Flirting
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Fall in love
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Presenting as a couple and making explicit agreements of exclusivity.
(Once this step is reached, any further step (including simply remaining in the relationship) can be considered an implied commitment toward intentions of a shared future)
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Establishing - establishing and accommodating life patterns together (time, communication)
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Commitment - discussing and planning long term
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Merging - move in together, share finances, get engaged
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Conclusion - get married, have children (not mandated, but strongly socially rewarded.) The relationship is now “finalized” and its structure is expected to remain static until one partner dies.
Non-Escalator Smorgasbord- The Smorgasbord is a concept in which every relationship you have, with another person, is like a plate that the two of you are filling from this buffet of options. It has blanks to fill in your own options in almost every category.
This allows for uniqueness in individual realtionships. As you fill in the blanks, indicate whether certain categories and activities are "Yes, Maybe, Maybe in the future, or No," You could also color-code your answers about whether or how often you want to include them in any given relationship.
Unlike the escalator-style relationship model, the Smorgasbord, doesn't assume domestic, romantic, emotional, or sexual relating with one person. The Smorgasbord values creativity, collaboration, business and social dimensions within all of your relationships as they are all equally important.
Below are links to two different examples of a Non-Escalator Relationship Menu
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The relationship escalator is very popular for a good reason, it can be terrific! And if this is a personal decision for you in your relationship structure awesome!
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However, it is important to know that it isn’t the only option for a happy, healthy, and valid relationship.
Non-Escalator Relationship Menu
Relationship Anarchy/Smorgasbord
Fabulous queer relationship research tidbits
Data from John Gottman's 12 year study researching queer and straight couples.
Queer couples were found to be more upbeat in the face of conflict, used more affection and humor during fights, and employed fewer hostile, controlling emotional tactics compared to cisgender heterosexual couples.
03 SLIDES
